I'm not sure if my useless bastardized excuse of a human being is having sex right now, or just walking on a treadmill, or playing with a plastic drum set or something, whilst talking at full fucking volume but it is bothering me to the fullest extent. In retaliation, I will play Brian Eno out of my computer speakers at full volume to feel like I am fighting back...I really wish I didn't have neighbors. What's it to wishing though? I suppose I feel I am senselessly owed something, constantly, for one reason or another. I think I need to let go of that thought, as it serves me no feeling besides disappointed. Shamefully so!
It's been 9 days since the New Year has started, and New years was a disappointment that I (once again) feel shameful about. It isn't necessarily worth getting into, things just didn't go as I had organized it in my mind. I was scheduled a scathing 5 AM shift the next morning, where I awoke from my 3-4 hour sleep in a strikingly bitter mood. Something regarding my loss of youth, something rambling about the freedom I feel I lack at 22. I am not owed anything, I'm not, not ever. Such is life, and in my life I have made the choices that have led me here now. Nothing to complain about now.
As I always state in regards to posts like these, yes I could write this in a journal, but for some reason my voyeuristic tendency to speak to a fictitious crowd predominates a pen and some paper. I really am not much of a private person, I think. I think at the end of the day I want to "feel heard", or whatever, and that isn't really something I expect from others often. (To my dear friends, I love you guys, you do listen, and I listen back and that is why life is worth living) I was thinking of it on my drive home from the gym earlier- there is a separation, still, in what I say. Now that I have a a therapist, I have "stuff I already kind of talk about" and "things to probably bring up to my therapist"- The typical differentiation being that of involving and not involving others. If it does, I am not putting that online. Relationships of all sorts are too fluid, and I never want anything regarding anyone else (of negative nature) going out of my brain onto the internet, or wherever else. OK, mostly just the internet. But in-between that, I will practice ambiguity!
Whilst I scoured the shelves of my pitiful grocery store job, alternating between checking dates of product and playing on my phone, I caught myself scrolling Instagram begrudgingly. All these damn New Years posts... new year new me! Here's a year recap! Cool! I shouldn't be so bitter about such things, but I think it gives me insight if I express it. I also caught myself engaging in something I swear off of doing, that I won't get into due to my afformentioned statement. But, with a half-awake resentment, I abruptly deactivated every Instagram I had (I'm specifying Instagram because it's the only social media I have, I can't deal with multiple apps). I didn't really think about it, nor was I doing it as some resolution to the year, whatever the hell. But there's that, I haven't been "connected" in a little over a week now. I should have gotten contact with some of my friends prior, but I'll handle that later, it's not like it'll be forever. It kind of feels nice, though. Unfortunately, I have spent about a decade chronically informing the world about my life, more or less than some, I don't know. It gives me a false sense of reassurance that i'm "not doing anything wrong" if I tell everybody.
In response to my anti-social-media crusade, I have picked up playing Tetris in an addictive fashion. There's studies that say it's good for your brain, right? I'll just run with that. If it's not something, it's something else. There's always a replacement of sorts, addictive behaviors that come with being a modern-day human being. It really isn't too bad, it's to quell the urge to waste my time in some way I deemed lesser. Today, it didn't quite feel right. After a 10-6 hell shift with coworkers I don't favor too well, a super-brief conversation with a friend/coworker I don't see too often anymore, and incessant robotic exchanges of words with customers, I felt a bit defeated. I didn't have a chance to say enough to my friend, to which leads me to some sort of pathetic overthinking that I pose myself as a miserable sad-sack, and i've been clenching my teeth all day out of self-imposed stress that wouldn't fester if I didn't have to "serve" uppity customers all day. I just get too mad. Something about people reaching over me, or being demanding, I don't know, am I still young enough to not want to be bothered with customer service? I don't owe them anything, and fair enough, neither do they. Following that, I sat down to play my rounds of Tetris, which I forgot to admit was the free, competitive version for the Nintendo Switch (this does, in fact, change things), to which I was doing god-awful at. I felt really alone, yes, nothing new out of my mouth, yes, I know. It just felt foolish.
Accompanied with my endeavored "lifestyle change", I also haven't gotten stoned since NYE. Crazy, yes, OK, I shouldn't be anyway, whatever, OK. I haven't had the urge, though. I will say, if a friend wants to, I will. But, i'll admit to my slipping in and out of poor habits. During December, we'll just say (for legal purposes) I came in contact with a hefty amount of weed-related items. For the record, just weed and edibles. I took on the idea that I worked out better at the gym if I ate an edible prior, which everyone knows that shit lasts longer than a gym session. So, most days of the week I was perpetually high. I'm admitting it! OK! I often convince myself it's better that way, sometimes, but I always am very, very aware of the importance of "moderation". I was probably just in denial of the ever-present depression that I had carried throughout the year, as I'll tell anyone, it wasn't a great year, actually a ranked bad year. So, yeah, it got to a point. I just have to be smart about things. I am not one for an addictive personality, I know all too well how those go, but i'll confess to the self-serving concept of mine that involves trying life differently, at least in the confines of my apartment and outside of my social life. Never do I do anything different around friends, never that, doing things alone makes me feel in control. My friends, they do know me, for sure, I'll state defensively.
But in retaliation, I feel as though I'll never be known. It's bumming me out, but, I have been on a conquest of stoic-ness. It's working out, maybe, I don't find myself that sad. Life is what I make it, and there isn't much I can do right now, in a way. I'm not sure where I am at, at all, I don't know what's going to happen soon, this year, whenever. I feel in control of my life, in the personal sense, so I have just been trying to focus on that. I haven't really thought about moving, or what the next steps in my life are. That isn't too say I am getting "too comfortable", I am just tired of forcing it. We work for what we want, yes, there is so much I want, but patience, I want that too. I can't keep waiting and thinking and waiting and thinking, I wait and wait and wait. What for? I don't really know. Honestly, I should be focusing on my re-enrollment in school, and creating as much as I can before I die! I have been doing more than ever in my apartment that I have resented endlessly, crazy. I have been reluctant, but after the December debacle of a failed move, I lost faith and turned it into acceptance, it's OK, there is so much I can do, and I love to do it alone, I can't disappoint myself but so much.
That being said, I have been spending a good deal of times with friends, new and old, it's great. I love the passionate people I have in my life, I am truly lucky. I have talented, intelligent, down to earth friends, I really cherish it. I haven't been one for friendships, kind of, well, that's a lie. I just get nervous. I have learned a lot about what it means to be a friend, and how situations should be handled instead of dropped. Nothing crazy or dramatic has happened, for the record, it's an all-encompassing statement. I'm just glad to have all kinds of friends, as much as I whine about loneliness, I have too many important people to truly wallow in that thought... OK, it's an endless thought, but my point still stands.
I don't know what this year holds, and I'd like to detest the passing of time and claim "just another year", but I don't know. I hope I can actually travel more this year. I won't state too many hopes. Hoping and wishing and waiting, it gets old. I just want to visit my mom, I miss her.
Well, I guess that's it. I have another 5AM shift ahead of me, and I also need to shower, and try to fully breathe. I've been struck with some questionable medical issues, with a popping jaw, never ending aching thumbs, a lump in my throat that won't disappear, and the inability to breathe properly. Fuck, I need to figure out my insurance stuff. I'm strangely lazy, picky about it. Maybe I can work out and run till I quell the breathing problem but I honestly probably have asthma. Oh well
Goodnight
Iona
I could have said more but . stream of consciousness guys, it's what my brain chose to say
No comments:
Post a Comment