"Real Death" Media Exploits and Reflection

Yesterday marked 2 weeks since I deleted all my social media, with the exception of Reddit, as I passed it off as a good way to get information. I deleted it as well, as of a few hours ago. I had had the account since I was 18, and I wasn't gaining shit worth of knowledge off there. I should have strayed away after the 2024 tattoo debacle that caused a critical strike on my ego, but y'know, it's got communities for everything.  **THIS POST WAS INITIALLY WRITTEN ALMOST TWO WEEKS AGO I'M JUST NOW GETTING BACK TO IT**

Also, trigger warning, I suppose. I discuss "death media", fascination with the macabre, as well as my personal struggles with suicidal ideation. 

What led me to the deletion was the constant posts on a community I joined out of admitted curiosity when I was 18. After an odd fixation with the "Faces of Death" shockumentary series, I admittedly wanted more, and looked into the "Mondo Film" world. Instead, I ended up in a sub-reddit dedicated to "gore mixtapes", something I find to be a sorry excuse of media. The post that did it, though, was some basement dwelling bastard flexing their *SEALED!* copy of the "Vomit Gore Trilogy" a series of films released by scoundrel pedophile, abuser, and "director" Lucifer Valentine. In the background of this individuals alleged prized possession was a dirty, sheet-less mattress with clothes, and a paper plate with old food on it. It gave me a good laugh, but it also sobered me up from the idea of "morbid curiosity". Though the Vomit Gore Trilogy is not that of the Mondo/Shockumentary/Mixtape realm, it is one of those ridiculous pieces of media that have resurfaced in recent times, with people trying to get to the bottom of the mystery of the director himself, but I'm not going to give this conspiracy the light of the day. He's a shitty person, if you're curious, go down the gross rabbit hole. That aside, the form consisted of people searching for these "mixtapes" that you'd find at the bottom of those "DISTURBING MEDIA" icebergs, and general questions regarding these compilations of "real death" media.

Like I said, I was curious, and before my initial deletion, I had searched up a name I saw on there. I guess, a legend of the niche community, and a name that sparked this post;  Kiyotaka Tsurisaki- A death photographer and film maker, mostly known for his film compilation "Junk Films", but more notably, "Orozoco the Embalmer", that follows embalmer Froilan Orozco in his daily life being well, an embalmer in heavily crime ridden Colombia. (I was going to watch it for the sake of this post but after completing the portion regarding myself I have decided otherwise). It reflects on the desensitization locals have developed, the mundanity of an otherwise grim career, all while remaining not-too-exploitative. It's an interesting look into how death is viewed in different cultures, from what I am aware. I have looked into his photography, though, and while some shots I find to be beautiful, while some, such as a photo of a man whom hung himself, do feel the opposite. His work brought me to an overwhelming moment of question.

Kiyota Tsurisaki - Inflamed

How much do we need to honor and expose ourselves to death? And when is too little? I beg the question, and I encourage the debate, as well.

In Western culture, it seems as if we are desensitized in a relatively bothersome way. With the push for censorship, the "sanitization" of death via keeping family members (or whoever) doped up on meds selfishly till it finally clicks that their fate has come, and the constant push to see tragedies online because "it's really happening". There is a constant contradiction, and in all of that contradiction, is a lack of consideration for other human beings. While I do believe a blind eye can not be turned to the mass tragedies that have plagued the past decade, especially regarding how social media and news outlets constantly pushes for the deletion of this content, I am just unsure on how it truly should be viewed.

That aside, as I feel that topic is extremely nuanced and not inherently coinciding in what this was supposed to be about, I'd like to reflect on this "darker" side of media. I don't believe it has the same curiosity it once did, perhaps because I am not friends with people who enjoy these things, as well as my almost-complete avoidance to negative media. That being said, I once did carry a fascination regarding the rather taboo media depictions of tragedy (take a shot every time I use this word). (This is moreso mentioned in part 2 below)

Death has always been draped in sensationalism, but when it's viewed from a fictitious lens, I question those who heavily consume media involving murder, abuse, and sex crimes, especially when it is painted as "artistic" What true artistic merit is in the suffering of others, and what is gained from this? As humans, we are realistically, undeniably curious, but there is limitations nonetheless.

 You ever met a freak that asked you if you've seen the bullshit movie "A Serbian Film"? If you haven't, well, I mean, that's good. In the last few years, the afformentioned "disturbing movie" iceberg made it's way into regular social media circles, with many Youtube creators going over the whole thing. In a way, it encourages the unfortunate morbid curiosity. OK... I'm having trouble with really writing about this, I forgot my point, I guess my point is how this media becomes less appealing when you experience death and grief, and I am not going to go on a tangent about how people that scream these plotless torture porn films are poetic... I don't believe so. I think I'll post this as is and maybe come back- is this pointless? I don't know, I need to get off the computer real quick. I also don't want to talk about how gross these various movies are, I unfortunately know a good bit and I think that was all I was getting at. 

PART 2 // PERSONAL DEBRIEF (written separately so it might repeat previous topics)

I suppose this post poses as some sort of cathartic conversation for myself, as I think the concept of morbid curiosity is still pretty taboo (or, if it comes up, you end up in a gross conversation with some sadistic sicko). It really perturbs me to know people above the age of 14 still actively consume gore, and things alike. 

Growing up heavily online, I was exposed to a lot, way too early. I'll be the first to admit. I oftentimes reflect on being around the age of 9 or 10, and developing a fascination with child suicides. I still can say I have never attempted to take my own life, given the ever-changing circumstances from doing so, for one reason or another, but I can also say it was a terrifyingly omnipresent thought that overwhelmed me from ages 9 to maybe 19/20. I recall constantly reading about children that took their lives, or children that committed heinous crimes, and eventually I kind of developed a curiousness regarding taking my own life, even though I was not raised with any thought or assurance of the afterlife. I think that idea came and went, with one instance being me learning how to tie a noose at a young age, and quickly chickening out because dinner was ready. It's really strange, and I am not sure I would have ever went through with it, I suppose as humans the thought of death is always there. Soon after, I found Liveleak, and I would never seek out real gore, as the thought of dying in horrendous ways scared me, torture scared me, all that. I would watch videos of people falling from buildings, and their fate being off camera. I guess that shows my cowardice, in a way, or perhaps the fear that dying isn't a peaceful thing. The seeking of this content eventually fizzled away, as I grew knowledgeable enough to know death is real and unavoidable, and it's not worth it or healthy to be obsessing over. 

Later in my life, I would be a heavy consumer of "True Crime" media, something I entirely detest now, especially given the state of the world right now, as well as the fact it is all too normalized. At 16, I deleted all my social media, except Tumblr, and only ever indulging in cold cases, serial killers, and whatever else. This would be paired with interest in "disturbing films" (do y'all remember that one list, not the iceberg, I mean the one way back). I never really watched these movies, unless the plot seemed stomach-able, otherwise I would read the plot and opinions others had out of curiosity. It rendered me increasingly paranoid, a feeling I have been battling for as long as I can remember, with the earliest experience transpiring after my new knowledge of security cameras. Of course, at that age, I wasn't the smartest, so I thought they were in my home, in dressing rooms, etc. At this point, I was heavily thinking about my own eventual death, and if I wanted it to be in my hands, and then, I really wanted it to be, till the eventual death of my oldest sister (something I talk about a lot, sorry). That completely diminished any and all desire to die, to know what it's like. I saw her post-mortem, possibly only an hour after her life was gone, I heard the screams of a mother holding her deceased first-born, I witnessed what it was like for others after death. To the emergency services, you're just another casualty. To your family, you're really gone, her ghost never presented itself to me, I just hoped her energy lingered in some way. I couldn't handle the fact that people stood outside of my home in sheer curiosity, and that curiosity is human, but it is too normalized. 

I realized one day, years later, that the consumption of real media regarding one's passing is absolutely despicable, the commoditization of these tragedies being watered down into a 20 second video with Sigur Ros' "Untitled #9" playing in the background, a Fortnite play-through, or the more recently condemned makeup tutorials where the narrator constantly uses obnoxious terms to describe a case, such as "unalive" or "grape" (something that makes me seethe). The fact we must use the loss of one's life as background noise shows the utter loss of humanity we have regressed into. I hate it, I do. 

Sorry if this is weird, I felt it was kind of important to get off my chest, perhaps lesser at my time of writing, as the stint I had a few weeks ago kind of faded, and that curiosity that peeks it's head in occasionally is gone for the time being. I suppose it was due to the fact I hadn't seen anything of the sort, and the afformentioned Reddit post served as a reminder of something I was, in fact, once fascinated with.

Thanks for reading if you got to this point 

-IONA