Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About S(exism)ilence (NSFW)

 Today, I had a breakthrough in direct relation to my previous post, which I was planning on deleting, but I have ultimately decided to keep up for the comparison as well as the lack of desire to rewrite. A conversation in convincing my friend to listen to this album, and another relisten, brought me to a realization.

Once someone was asked (in response to telling another I had this album tattooed); "Does she hate herself". 

No, in fact, far from it. This specific question makes sense, in regards to Glassjaw's album "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Silence", a notorious record, shameless for it's woman-hating, utterly detestable lyrics. I am a woman, at the end of the day. Why would I resonate in any way? I have wondered myself. I have felt ashamed, in a way, for enjoying it as much as I continue to.

Condemning misogyny is boring. We are all (or I can only hope anyone reading this) is aware it is wrong. In my previous post, my goal was to focus on potentially discrediting the record, as I feel I have grown as a person, alas, I wasn't even in my twenties. I felt that maybe I had to prove myself, as I have recognized  patterns of internalized misogyny that ran rampant in my youth. Instances as shameful as avoiding woman-fronted works almost entirely, seeping into my own self-perception, refuting any attempts at being anything other than a sexual being for male pleasure. It's a lot to unpack, too much to get into. I could criticize most of the men in my developmental years, the sickening relationships I experienced in adolescence, the media I consumed. Western media has always portrayed women as superficial subhumans, in one way or another. 

Womanly empowerment is case-by-case. The rise of "trad-wives" on impressionable social media platforms, the off-putting jokes about woman-on-man domestic violence, and the sex-positive musicians that permit the pride of ones body. I never felt any resonance with any of this. I would never want my life to revolve around bowing down to a man, and not working for myself. I would never hit my partner, nor would I ever joke about it, especially as a victim myself, it just all seems misguided and unfair! I don't feel that these things move us forward as a society. Same goes for the sex-oriented music. I have never felt empowered by the lyrics that speak of "pussy-power", for lack of better word. In my history of being a woman, something I still feel is a curse instilled upon me, sex has never made me confident. Sure, the idea of asserted dominance via security within yourself is beautiful. But, it has taken away from the intimacy of the concept, especially in modern times. I do not feel like giving up my body proves anything, quite frankly, the thought makes me sick. I don't like hearing about sex, the older I get, maybe it's maturity, maybe it's reversion. It just all seems so perverse, parading ourselves as something men already see women as, meat. 

This within itself has caused me a great deal of alienation, discomfort in my own body as a result of the heinous perception bestowed upon me. It is, at the end of the day, my own personal issue, but I have found comfort in separating myself from a sexual being. Through brute force attempt, I have found myself constantly uncomfortable in trying to take pride in "being a woman". I feel there is misrepresentation, especially in western culture, where misogyny is prevalent, but albeit lesser than other cultures. Just what am I proving? I thought, within the context of the media I enjoyed, maybe I was the problem. 

Glassjaw's record is entirely spiteful against one woman. A woman who allegedly left him whilst he was hospitalized for Crohn's disease at 20, someone who in old *now deleted* blog posts, he deems a "whore". The word constantly comes up in the almost hour-long record, for some reason, I always still took a liking to hearing it. I initially considered this a result of afformentioned internalized misogyny, being excited by hateful language I passed off as perhaps some sort of semi-depraved fetish. I have referred to the album as "ambiguously horny", unable to identify why it made me feel the way it does, especially being that I find no pleasure in being degraded, especially after being young and thinking I did. It is easy to use sexual themes as a cop-out, but that's the stark contrast here; this album isn't sexual, never is the woman's body referred to, never is the sexual nature of a relationship mentioned, something rare coming from a bitter man. I have been around sick men, none of which I liked (for the record), who spoke about their sex life before and after a breakup, locker room talk of the degenerate being. I find this prevalent in media as well.

Metro Zu - Fukk

As I said, I have alleged myself "part of the problem", though, it never felt quite right. I listen to a fair share of music that honors women, and music that completely degrades what it is to be a girl. As I had previously written about Metro Zu, a rap group who's lyrics barely ever refer to an individual, instead reciting vulgar depictions of sexual acts, or disgusting details about female gentialia... Never does it focus on a woman's pleasure. It blatantly proves the rappers intent, with little to no shame. It's discomforting, it too makes me feel no pride, it just sounds fun. The same can be said about woman-rappers like Megan Thee Stallion (no personal vendetta, just a prevalent figure in woman-empowering media). Personally, I just don't enjoy the music of hers period, so I can note my hypocrisy in that sense. Music is expression, at the end of the day, and lyrics are telling to a characters personality and all around demeanor. Sure, maybe never to the extreme some things are mentioned, but sometimes you can put the pieces together. 

Kraanium - Chronicles of Perversion

In heavier genres I enjoy, like Deathcore or slam, I can note the same. An almost cross section between hatred and objectification, I can never pass it off as art. It is music I have enjoyed for a long time, that I admittedly love the sound of, with typically impressive vocal performance and heavy instrumentation. Be it that most lyrics in this realm are incomprehensible, I can somewhat ignore the themes. Though, one google search is enough to freak me out, sometimes. Deathcore is typically juvenile, a genre beginning in the 2000s Myspace circles, with mentions of "being done wrong" by women and seeking revenge, of sorts. More common in slam these lyrics center around resorting to violence, rape, and some sort -of sadistic torture in great detail. It is visually represented in the album art, too. It's disturbingly questionable, especially when bands have long spanning careers centered around these topics. And again, I note that this makes me feel no pride, nor does it make me feel shame. I just find it weird, and not really okay. It's got riffs though.

Though, throughout all of this, I have always felt some sort of power when listening to EYEWTKAS, and I realized why. I mean, I legitimately shake when I listen to the album. I found it in a very powerless time in my life, even passive aggressively playing it around my partner at the time. But what was I proving?

I suppose it is the concept of obsession, into a fit of defeat. Maybe I shouldn't feel confident about this, if I don't feel confident listening to music about being "sexy", right? True, however, I find that the idea that a woman can make a man feel so much disdain and anger empowering. I find the idea that someone could be so obsessed with the thought of someone somewhat pleasurable, and I guess that is where my mistake in finding it sexual lies. In knowing that this is being taken out on paper, in music, instead of against this woman, thinking that these words can really hurt them. It is written as some sort of "get-back". It's raw, and taboo, especially now. It is an expression of negative emotion, unbridled words that attempt to prove masculinity. With moments of despair, like the title track, it is obvious it is just pain, for lack of better phrasing. I find myself often putting on this record when I feel slighted, because it makes me feel unbreakable, for some reason. If a man wants to hurt me in some way, I feel as if I can make them feel the way the vocalist did in this album, it gives me an unfortunately grandiose sense of pride. That is, aside from the music just being killer anyway. I think being seen as a whore is comical, especially with the rise of incels, flaunting their disdain for something they innately desire, whilst knowing they can't attain it, an honest summary of this album.

Glassjaw - Majour

 I questioned my merit, my femininity, and my confidence in being a fan, I never would want to be pinned as a woman-hater, I am far from it. Though I am a bit insecure within my being, I love women that aren't me, I just don't know what it is to be a woman yet. I am learning, and I do plan to carry this girl (album) with me as I go

-IONA