Ramble Ramble Ramble...

 Good (almost) afternoon. Also, by the way, yes I am seeking out therapy, ok. I just filled out a form this morning... hahaha

I wish I had the drive to write about music right now. Well, maybe I do. I just don't feel like it. Well, I do, I really do. I'm lazy. No, I'm not. There's so much but nothing going on at the same time. I could write this all in a journal, but I guess whilst I'd like to understand myself, I want others to understand me too. As if I have a made up crowd of curious people reading this blog when it isn't about music, or shared. I don't really know what to do. I guess I like demonstrating a form of emotional exhibitionism.

Comparison is the thief of joy, or whatever. I like to think I'm not comparing, but rather observing. 

It feels really pathetic, being 22, I feel like there is so much dissonance between everyone in their twenties. Some people my age are already graduated, some are almost done, some work a lot, some are doing trades, whatever have you. Where am I really going with this? Everyone is somewhere different. You can look at that whatever way you want. I try to look at it positively, as I think individual experiences are the real beauty of things, but as someone that struggles heavily with a looming feeling of isolation, it is a bit difficult. It is not, by any means, to say I have it better or worse. It's person to person. 

I guess now, being where I am at compared to where I was a few years ago, I could choose to feel defeated or triumphant. I did feel proud of myself, briefly, till I realized I took the wrong steps in the wrong order, and to that, I feel nothing but shame. Yes, I can change it, I can make the efforts to do so, but it feels rather far. I could keep wishing, but that's all I do, wishing away! Won't do anything. Sometimes, I just want to accept defeat and leave it here, because I' m tired and I don't want to learn anymore, I don't want to face the future trials and tribulations, I am not sure how much I have left in me. But I'm not sure of anything, clearly. I don't like anticipation, it makes me sick, even when it's toward something good. I don't like feeling sick, I don't want to keep feeling sick.

I had the thought for the first time a few days ago that I technically was isolated for 2ish years of my life, perhaps more, but I am counting when I dropped out at 16. I don't think that helped much. I was alone mentally, yet physically someone was there, inescapable and deafening to my own self. I can only blame myself, at the end of the day. Can I really? I was young, I'm still young, even though I feel so old, so old and disconnected from anyone my age. Maybe that is how everyone feels, maybe I don't talk enough. I feel like I do, I like to talk, maybe it isn't ever enough for me. I've been told I am never satisfied. Anyway, I have said it a million times, I don't know myself, I don't know when I will. I feel like I am getting to know myself and it is so far from what I wanted it to be, so far from what others wanted me to be, but those who I speak of didn't want me to be a person, that's aside the point. 

I've been trying to feel more present, be more present, and develop a false sense of hope, but I guess with things up in the air, it is difficult to establish. I am constantly back and forth. I want this, I want that, I don't want it at all. What do I want, what could I ever want. What am I even talking about? I actually lost my train of thought on this. How funny. Uhhh. I'll still upload this, it is a stream of consciousness, I guess.

What I am trying to say is that I am in a pretty bad spot but I am not sure if I am. I feel like I am, I really need to get myself together. I haven't cleaned my apartment or my car, I have barely looked at myself in the mirror, I haven't been as immersed in hobbies as I want to be, and whatever else. I dwell too much. 

Ok bye for now